Léo is slowly growing up, he will be 8 months soon. He is gaining new skills at impressive pace.
I am quite happy with year 2023. I feel that even though I had a young baby, I (well, we!) managed to run TTSeries, do videos on my channel, find little bit of time to relax…
Learning about how to be a mother is quite stressful: you need to do it as fast as possible (the baby is crying!) and avoid comparing with others (other babies already crawl, why my doesn’t?!). But as I was greatly advised on my server “run your own race” is the best. As for the first point, why not enjoying the learning process? The baby will be baby once. So yes, I am enjoying everything so far. Not saying it is easy!
Feeling full of energy today, I will think and discuss future of shogi promotion on the server this week. I hope we can come up with good ideas.
Also thank you everyone for all the help. I couldn’t do it without you. Let’s keep enjoying shogi together.
I have been reading a book called “hello, habits”. It has been good so far.
It is a result of authors research about habits written in a light form of short paragraphs.
It recommended to start a journal/diary based on a book that later I googled to be available only in Japanese. Sadly, I don’t want to struggle with Japanese nowadays and read in English or Polish instead.
But it made me search in my own house. Turns out I had 3 small journals written in the past. I laughed reading the foreshadowing sentence in one of them: “dated 26.9.2016, (…) and maybe being pro is not for me. Maybe this everyday pressure, stress, doubts will burn me out in the end and maybe it is not worth it.” (mind you, I wasn’t pro yet). In the journal I turned it around that the consciousness of those hurdles existence will make it easier to bear them, but the current truth is that it was not enough. I found it funny that I already knew myself this well in the past.
After reading more, I decided it is good to have memories of past thoughts like this. Maybe future me will be reflective about today me, so I will start a new journal. Hopefully a diary with daily entries. A new habit…?
The reason why I am not doing it on this blog, daily, for one: I made a voting on server and people decided they prefer rarer and more interesting posts (one incoming in the future – hopefully); and second: this way I can write more private stuff without being bothered who reads it (oh no, what about future histori- who cares). Writing for myself. I used to write “Dear Future Oneye … Today’s Oneye” and I will continue this trend. Good way to remember how to say things in Polish too!
Meantime, I was dragged into Xiangqi League on our Harbour server. First time in a long time I am excited to compete with something else than shogi. First game was a loss, but it is kind of funny to be once again lost in the territory of a new game. What was that piece again? What is the correct opening move? What are they doing? Beginner mindset is full of joy. Based on this experience I am slightly thinking of doing Youtube series like “Super beginner series” and imagining I am talking to a shogi beginner, explaining the simplest of basics, but… First I have to finish other stuff! First things first!… Building up prioritizing habits and finishing old projects!
We moved to a bigger apartment. Well, there are still boxes left to unpack, stuff left to be taken to cellar or thrown away. One cannot do everything this quickly with a newborn.
Léo is not past 2 months mark, uttering back words at us. Like a little parrot, just saying stuff without understanding what they mean. But one can be easily fooled when he says “hello” with a huge smile at his face.
I am not getting enough sleep or rest recently. But today I managed to get a full lunch made and ate it half-warm (improvement from cold) on my own. That is what we call an achievement nowadays.
The apartment we are in is freshly finished. It is amazing in every way. It feels great. However, I have to learn to take a good care of it, so it stays the same. It is a chance to organize everything in both of our lives. We have started a family, time to set up a good example…?
With each opened box I am pulled back to my memories in Japan. Especially the last few years and months which were very hard. COVID around, forced to stay at home, work events cancelled… I even had to give up my Olympic Torch run because I had a game scheduled on that day. That was a hard choice to make. One of many. My mind would like to summarize my over 10 years time in Japan in one word. But I cannot do it. I shouldn’t. There were good and bad experiences. All have value to them. They are all but different colors in the painting of life.
Am I happier now? Definitely. Did my life goals change? Yes.
Growing is a scary thing because we abandon our old self and become a stranger.
Improving means sacrificing or changing something.
We have to lose to gain.
*** The next day
Finally got more sleep. The evening was quite a chaos to deal with. Sleep as much as possible, quick lunch and finish uploading this post. Having a proper rest is my goal for today 🙂
I had a birthday last Saturday. First time in years I was able to celebrate it with my twin sister that came to visit. It was fun.
As a birthday present I asked for books about crochet and knitting needles. [I kept confusing the Polish words for them and I am not sure if in English they are correct either lol] I did some crotchet to relax when I was in Kenshukai. This time I can relearn some skills slowly. Need some silent hobby to do near sleeping child!
But it all made me think, everyday taking care of my child – feeding, changing, hugging, speaking – it all are small stiches on big fabric of our relationship. Hopefully it all will add one day into a beautiful creation.
Same with everything we put effort in everyday. It all adds up into meaningful things. Unlike crotchet though, it cannot be undone with one pull of a string. It also means we cannot correct those errors we are making, but the while maybe not perfect, will be unique and colorful.
It changes your perspective. You see all the people around and you realize “oh, this person is a son/daughter to someone”. You also gain much respect to other parents around you, as you gain the insight of being one. Hey, it is hard work waking up every 2 hours to feed and change the baby. That’s what I know now. What will take to bring it past 1 year old mark? How many sacrifices?
Because hungry baby is definitely the priority number one. You have job to done? You want to relax a little? That’s not happening my dear. And thanks for the hormones that make you act upon that baby cry without frustration. Just one look at it and “our cute monster” will be fed, loved and kissed to sleep.
Then life rhythm has to adapt. Baby is asleep? Quickly, do whatever you planned to do in the next 2-3 hours. No slacking off! Prioritize! Don’t get distracted by news sites, Youtube and other stuff or you will regret it with the next baby’s cry! Who knew baby is the ultimate motivator and the best way to schedule your day. No need for planners or reminders. “Pomodoro-Baby” technique is very effective.
Speaking of plans, mine is to start working on youtube videos, starting with update video. Being YT partner is a motivational factor, but I also had some projects I wanted to try on. I won’t be able to stream anymore (I think), but it is a good opportunity to try something else instead.
Having a baby is quite a different experience than what I imagined.
Generally I don’t like to “expect” things in advance, but I did have in mind the generic idea of child, generic idea of mother, aka I will have a baby I will be hugging and loving.
But reality feels much richer. Hormones kicked in. Baby is an actual being that has his own mind, makes lots of sounds and is nothing like the “huggable plush toy” I simply imagined. There is also this constant primal feeling around it. Like the fear if it is ok. Regret that you did a mistake as parent. Or like the joy when it opens eyes after nap and looks at you. Or calms down in your arms after crying, because it feels safe around its mom.
Speaking of hormones kicking in and baby being unpredictable. Good 8-9 hour sleep is not an option. Every (if lucky) 3 hours it needs to be fed and diaper changed. There is no running away from that responsibility. Kind of scary when you think of it. It is something you cannot say no to or not be in mood of doing. You just have to do it, because that little human cannot take care of himself. And you do it, because hormones makes you feel like it is the correct thing to do. They make you less tired and more awake when needed. Yet I do need to take additional rest, in times the baby is asleep, of course. Always adjusting to its schedule.
So it is a weird feeling when you up until now “lived your life logically” to be suddenly reminded “you are human, and primal instinct exists”. Why they don’t explain this stuff at school, one may ask. (but then I remember, not everyone gets to experience it)
Since birth I don’t feel like myself, although the further time passes, the more old consciousness comes back. I know it won’t feel entirely the same, and it is all right. I enjoy taking care of the new being that we were lucky to safely welcome to the world. Love is multiplied not divided, they say. This experience might make me look in a new light at old stuff, so I thought I will vent little bit on this blog.
I have been taking a break from professional games, but recently I took the decision to retire completely from the professional scene.
I am grateful for all the experience I had in Japan and all the opportunities I had in the shogi world, and I feel it is important to clearly state what I will do next. For family reasons I have decided I will stay in Europe, so naturally I cannot continue playing as a ladies professional player. I do not plan on breaking with shogi completely, on the opposite, I would like to concentrate on teaching and promoting shogi outside of Japan. I think I am in a very usual situation and this role will fit me well.
I would like to thank all the people I met along my journey and thank you for all the help, I am sorry I could get only this far.
I would like to thank all the sponsors, especially Ricoh, which invitation to Japan started my journey in the first place.
I hope there will be more people following in my footstep. I would like to help future generations of shogi players grow and develop their passion for shogi.
Satomi Kana Ladies 4-Crown surprised everyone with her amazing achievement.
As a first women she qualified to a Main Tournament of professional world. This made her eligible to take a professional examination.
2022, May 27th, in Kiou elimination match she beat Komori 5 dan and qualified to Kiou Main Tournament. Word of explanation might be needed for English readers, Kiou Tournament is a tournament that is organized for professionals (not ladies professionals) and only few that aren’t professionals are allowed to participate in it. One of them is top ladies professional player, Satomi. It never happened in the past that a woman would fight her way through the elimination round.
On top of that, she is now able to attempt to become professional 4 dan (again, not Ladies Professional) by taking an exam. It is possible because in the last official matches she got score of 10 wins and 4 losses, “more than 6:5 win to loss ratio”. In order to take the exam, Satomi would need to within one month apply for exam with recommendation of a professional, then pay the participation fee. If she applied, 5 matched would be played against the newest 4 dan professionals and she would need to get 3 wins to become 4 dan and start in free class of Meijin.
Previously Satomi was really close to get this chance in 2019, but she missed it by losing decisive game.
But so far, we don’t know if she will attempt the exam.
You can read in more details on Japanese news page:
Shogi Books reviews? Writing shogi book in English about endgame? Doing more penguin videos? Making a shogi board that is readable for shogi players and easily buyable in Europe? Writing blog posts with game analysis like before?
Too many ideas paralyses the choice. Similar in shogi game where there are too many moves on the board and you end up choosing the wrong one under time pressure.
Today I played a game on 81dojo and tried to analyze it on playshogi.com and lishogi.org to compare how both websites AI’s will judge the moves.
Both computers showed the same drops in the evaluation (orange), but some smaller spikes were more or less forgiving (green).
The centipawn and mistake count showed like this:
Also not being far off from each other. Playshogi was harsher to categorize imprecision as mistakes for Black, at the same time finding more imprecisions for White.
Checking in more detail, what position they found as imprecision… Sometimes they agreed, sometimes not.
To study my own kifu, instead of concentrating on every detail, it is easier to concentrate on those bigger jumps in the graph (orange). If there is many of them, concentrate on the ones with biggest centipawn loss. In this case there was this huge mistake on the right side, dropping from 2000 points.
The move I played was to jump the knight, with the idea of “putting more pressure”. That would lead to my horse being blocked off by …S*44.
That move reviewed on playshogi.com first showed equal game, then showed Black being 500-1000 points better. Little confusing when trying to find the best variation. Lishogi.org was between 0.1-2.4 for Black. (As comparison the big spike of 2000 points = 26.9). The longer the AI thought, the more evaluation changed. A quite confusing study tool.
But one thing is clear perhaps, …S*44 was a good answer for White, so instead of jumping the knight, taking gold was more decisive. Sx62+ Gx, B*81 Kx, +Bx62 will lead to hisshi. After B*81 K61 with G*53 (lishogi) leads to many complex variation, but we are able to promote our second bishop while eyeing the 27 dragon. The king is more unsafe in the middle of the board. …K61 L*64! [Px is mate] (playshogi) is a move that lishogi also preferred, if let it analyze it. L*64 N*71 leads again to G*53 (+18.2 or 4843 for Black).
With this experiment I can say that no matter which website you use, they both seem to use reliable computer. At lishogi you have ability to change how many lines or how much memory the computer can use, and on playshogi you can force computer to reconsider move for next 5 seconds.
Personally I am more used the centipawn showed by playshogi, the chess originated +18.2 tells me nothing. Showing multiple moves options on lishogi is also interesting, but hard to see which move is the best (Yes, the size of the arrows is supposed to show it, but there are also drops with regular size or different piece on the same square…? Hard to see).
It is clear though that I made a horrible mistake by jumping the knight. A bad, but unpunished choice it was.
Shogi is my life 